Life Without a Father by Tabitha Musa Gimba

Some children  are fortunate to grow up with both parents. Parents that love, care for, and will make sure that, you are safe at all times. Unfortunately, some of us are not as fortunate as others. While some grow up with both parents, some of us fall into the category, where one or the both parent left us at an early stage of life. I personally fall into this category and I believe that, unless the other parent is deceased, there is no reason why one parent should raise a child.

The United States (U.S) Census Bureau, in 2023, stated, 17.8 million children, nearly 1 in 4, live without a biological, step, or adoptive father in the home. The research shows that a father’s absence negatively impacts children, while a father’s presence positively influences both children and mothers.

However, coming from a family of twelve with a step mother, my dad was a superman, someone who goes out of his way to provide, guard, secure and ensure there’s peace, love and unity in the family despite the nature of polygamy.

He ensured everyone was educated from the first to the last child, education isn’t negotiable in my house, because of how valuable my dad sensed literacy, despite the fact that he wasn’t educated, he always wished he has acquired education. He paid for home lessons for adult education, but to no avail, he wasn’t learning, maybe cause of the overwhelming responsibilities as a father, but he vowed that his children must be educated, as well acquire skills of their choice, which will of course be of help to them in the future.

Returning home from school, after first semester 300level,  I found out Dad’s been critically ill, I was aware of his sickness but didn’t know it became worse, until I got home and saw my superman laying helpless, he couldn’t talk, neither could he recognize me. It then dawn on me that, my beloved father was struggling between life and death. Not up to two days of my arrival, he passed without uttering a word to me, that broke me.

After months of his death, it became tough for everyone in the family because we were used to him single handedly taking care of all activities especially providing for the family by himself, my mother and step mum were full house wives.

Then, It was time to resume back to school, I was not stable mentally and psychologically neither was I financially fit for resumption. but life has to go on, I felt an empty space in my heart It was tough for me, I didn’t know who to run to but thank God, my older sibling’s came through to fund my education in the little way they could, as they all have families. Irrespective, I still feel the demise of my dad till date because he is irreplaceable.

Meanwhile, in school I decided to get a job, at least to cater for my needs, but I later had to quit the job because it became stressful, combining work and academics, to feed was becoming a problem, despite economizing. I needed finance for assignments, food and upkeep, it was overwhelming and I was loosing my mind, at a point I started considering drop out. Thank God for advice and encouragements from friends, so I didn’t relent on my studies. It was a battle between my mind and my emotions, sometimes I go to bed with tears in my eyes, I cried almost everyday but will those tears bring him back?

While in school, I learned about issues that arose in the family, problems that comes with polygamy. Where some members of the family want to mishandle Dad’s property, while the others wouldn’t allow that. This constitute lot’s of issues and misunderstandings, few months after his demise. This was terrible for me to know especially in school, it also affected my mind. The issues continued till those property were shared amongst the men. Women have no property entitlement, of course we were left out. Some cultures partially, or do not share property with women, my culture Gbagyi is not excluded.

Growing up without a father can have a profound impact on an individual’s life like the emotional impact for example, the feeling of abandonment or rejection, emotional insecurity or low self-esteem, increased risk of depression and anxiety. The psychological impact which also includes: lack of male role model or guidance, difficulty forming healthy relationships with men, economic instability or financial struggles e.t.c. All these became my reality, but I had to strive harder to becoming a better person for myself even though my backbone is gone.

According to the 2007 United Nations children’s fund (UNICEF), report on the well-being of children in economically advanced nations, children in the United States, Canada and the United Kingdom, rank extremely low in regard to social and emotional well-being in particular. Many theories have been explored to explain the poor state of these nation’s children. However, a factor that has been largely ignored, particularly among child and family policymakers, is the prevalence and devastating effects of father absence in children’s lives.

David Popenoe an American sociologist stated, I have found few other bodies of evidence that lean so much in one direction. On the whole, two parents, a father and a mother, are better for a child than one parent. There are, to be sure, many factors that complicate this simple proposition. We all know of a two-parent family that is truly dysfunctional. A child can certainly be raised to a fulfilling adulthood by one loving parent who is devoted to the child’s well-being, but two parent, present in a child’s life can not be overemphasized.

Popenoe added that, In just three decades, between 1960 and 1990, the percentage of children living apart from their natural fathers is more than doubled, from 17 percent to 36 percent. Death, divorce and out-of-wedlock births are to be blamed.

Other researchers, has given us much deeper and more surprising insights into the father’s role in childrearing. It shows that in almost all of their interactions with the children, fathers do things a little differently from mothers. Their special parenting style is not only highly complementary to what mothers do but is by all indications important in its own right for optimum childrearing.

For instance, an often-overlooked dimension of fathering is play. From their children’s birth through adolescence, the father’s style of play seems to have unusual significance. It is likely to be both physically stimulating and exciting. With older children, it involves more physical games and teamwork requiring the competitive testing of physical and mental skills. It frequently resembles an apprenticeship or teaching relationship.

I believe that, no one should be without a father figure in their life. unfortunately, life is unpredictable. My life did not turn out the way I would have loved it to be, especially when dad had to leave me now, but who am I to decide for God? I have realized that life is full of ups and downs, I get emotional most times and cry but after crying I’ll wipe my face, raise my head and keep moving, hoping for better days ahead because, I have to be strong to achieve my goals and someday tell the story.

My heart goes out to all the single parents and all the children without fathers, because personally I know it is not an easy situation, especially when you once had a wonderful one. I now know that in order to continue to move on in life, I just have to put my faith in God. I know he will take care of me and my family. He will not put us through anything we cannot handle.

By Tabitha Musa Gimba, student from Bayero University Kano